::Thinking::

I'm a music person. I've always loved music. Being a musician, or at least this is how I am... I read the music, but I hear the words. I comprehend words. If you ask me the words to almost any song I've heard, or played, I can tell you the words to all the verses. My point is, I love lyrics. My spirit is refreshed, and it causes me to stop and worship God. I was driving home the other day, and I've heard this song a few times, but for some reason, it stuck with me. I had to raise my hand and praise God for giving me this moment to know and ponder how wonderful He really is!
One part of the song says:
I could try to be somebody else
Who's much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it's when I'm at my weakest
I can clearly see
He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live thru you and me.

It's by Big Daddy Weave (who I <3). HERE is a like to the music video. Take a minute, and listen/watch. The words are amazing.

::Nearing the end::

This is how I see it. I'm nearing the end of all the medicine and tests, and having my blood drawn like I'm the victim of a million mosquitoes. Here is how the past few days have been:

Friday - Woke early to shower and get ready for the test. I'd been nervous for days about the test... but more so about the results I might get. We got dressed for the day, him in his work clothes, and me in dress clothes. We drove separately to the hospital, and I so badly was wishing that we'd ridden together... but since we were going separate ways, that wasn't possible. I needed his consoling and his hand holding mine. I was so very nervous...

We got registered at the hospital, where we saw a cost sheet... yeah, it's almost $5,000 per half hour for the operating room. Can you imagine?!?!? We walked back to radiology, and I was taken to get changed. We went back to the room, and she looked at Phil and said okay... this is as far as you can go... My heart dropped to the basement of the hospital. I had to do this alone. Great.

I practically begged her to let him come in, it got him into the outer room of the x-ray room. He could watch the x-ray machine on a little screen. It helped knowing he was right outside, but still... I needed his hand. I'll skip some details here, because some are inappropriate to share. Let's just leave it at: they had to do the process four times. Yup. Four times. The first time, the catheter was turned, and the other two were just them being human, the fourth time, it worked. The first try, I was coming off the table... it hurt so bad. Second and Third... Phil heard me. It was the most painful thing I think I have ever done. The dye and x-ray part weren't that bad... So on this screen... they show me where the uterus is filling up... I roll to the right, then to the left... Soon, the left side branches out like it's supposed to... the right side, nothing. It's blocked.

So yes, that was my diagnosis. One side open, One side closed. Another cherry to add to the top. I got cleaned up, while limping around like a 90 year old... changed, and I was free to go. They would contact my doctor. We got to the cars, and Phil suggested we go for breakfast to talk. We got sat down, and all I could do was cry. My body killed, and my heart was falling apart. It took me a while, but I finally got food down. I was ready to go to work, and get my mind off of reality. Phil was very adamant about going home and resting. After much conversation... I obeyed my husband. My boss was horrible. She wasn't very happy, and made the statement that if I did come in... my head had to be on straight. That didn't help. At all.

We got home, changed, and I went to bed. This is where it all came to... I started having cramping, and stomach pain like no other. I switched positions thinking it was just the dye... that didn't help. I started yelping. I got out of bed, that didn't help. I knelt on the floor and leaned over my bed... that didn't help. I took 800mg of IB... that didn't help. It was horrible. It was at least 5 times the pain that I had when I miscarried. I didn't know what to do... the nurse had said "you might have some light cramping" yeah, right. If she was here, I'd knock her to the floor. :) I laid back on the bed and got as comfortable as I could, and told Phil if it lasted another hour, we'd call the doctor. We fell asleep and woke up almost three hours later. Emotion and Fatigue were the culprits... but it helped, the pain wasn't nearly as bad.

I spoke with my cousin, R who is a FNP, and she said that when she worked for an OB during schooling, they put the person out during this procedure. Ha! I didn't even get any pain medicine, and no one even told me to take anything. She thinks it was certain area's being pushed and prodded that they got majorly bruised besides my uterus being stretched among everything else that was! Her orders were to find a comfortable position and stay there. So I did.

Today which is Wednesday, five days after the procedure and I'm just now where I don't have pain. The only time I can tell is when I'm on my feet for a long time or running around the office, I get some light cramps, but other than that... all is well.

So as for the results... Phil and I have been talking the past few days, and I talked to the doctor today, we have one more option next month, we are going to try the clomid one more time. Next month will be my left ovary and the left fallopian tube. The ovary is the one that hasn't done very good in the past, and the fallopian tube is the only one I have that is open. So we are going to pray that with God's wisdom to man, medicine and God's grace to will a miracle, we'll give it another try. The next step is surgery, and we aren't quite sure of that yet. We'll get more details and discuss our options with our doctor. I'll be sure to let you know if/when that is going to happen.

"God is good, all the time" This is what has been going through my head the past few days. Almost trying to talk myself into it. Sometimes, it's really hard to believe... ya know? I want to believe. I want to believe that someday I will be a mother of my own biological child. I want to believe that one day, I'll look back on this and say... God was with me each step of the way. I want to believe that God hears me. I want to believe that God can take this desire away from me, and direct it somewhere else. But for now, I struggle. I struggle with not being able to bare a child on my own. I struggle with knowing if God is beside me. I struggle with thinking God can't possibly hear me. I struggle with giving it up. Giving it up and letting God take care of my life, even if it is as a barren woman. I believe. I really do... but sometimes... my unbelief is too heavy to bare.

Nature took it's course...

So on Friday night... nature took course, and my cycle began. It is always a very emotional time for me... but add in the nervousness about the test, and it's doubled. Here's what was going through my head:

• Phil was two hours late getting home from working at the church, that made me upset.
• I saw blood and was reminded of the baby I lost (which happens every month...), that made me upset.
• I have been sick for the past week, and am tired of it, that made me upset.
• I made myself sick because I was so upset, and that made me upset.
• Another month, I'm not pregnant... that made me upset.

So, as you can see... Friday night wasn't the best of nights. Phil was so gracious, and held me for forever. Alot of my being upset was from not feeling good, and being tired of not feeling good. Then I got period cramps and that didn't help. I really didn't expect it to happen this month. But we always have a glimmer of hope that our dreams will come true.

The test is set for Friday, September 12th. I have to be there at 7:30 a.m.

Here is what we might find out:

• Tubes are clear, everthing is good. No answer to my infertilness.
• Everything is covered in Endo, and or cysts. (surgery required)
• Blockages that can be opened. (surgery required)
• Too many problems, and nothing can be done. Move on to other options.

There are other things we could find out, but I don't want to go into that much detail. Please just keep Phil and I in your prayers as this is a very private thing for us, but we need as much prayer as possible. We need God to lift our spirits and our faith.

P.S. - What do you think of my new layout? :) I thought it didn't look as depressing :D

I'm here

I'm sick. Again. For the umm.... third time since Spring with a head cold. :( Had a touch of the flu on Tuesday, now a cold. Yup, I don't feel good.

Thought I'd let you know I'm still alive. Nothing new in "mission baby". Just waiting for the positive, or waiting for nature to take course. If nature does, I'll be having the out patient testing done. I'll let everyone know about that... so you can pray. I'm very nervous and anxious about the test...

Thanks for all the encouragement! I need it more than you can imagine. Sorry for the delay in posting... it might be a while before I post again. Because of the test, we won't be doing any treatment in September. Please pray that God will give us a miracle soon!