::My little miracle!::

So I had a doctor appointment last week... it was a huge milestone for Phil and I. It was my 3 month appointment. We made it! Now we know that God can still chose to take this little one from us if He choses, but humanly speaking... this was a huge deal for us. Did you know that the miscarriage rate goes DOWN 90% at 12 weeks? This is a huge answer to prayer, and we are still praising God for this gift... Wanna see a picture of the baby?!?!!?

Isn't this precious?!?!? You can tell it's a baby now! lol right below it's head, you can see it's arms... they were wavin like crazy! It was incredible to see! The tech actually had a hard time getting the heart rate because the baby was moving so much! She kept sayin... "Man! You got a mover!!" :) My heart swelled with pride! As you can see, the baby doesn't have a tail anymore... but a cute little butt! She said that the baby looked perfect! Praise the Lord!!! :) How amazing God is! Look! That baby is mine!!!

P.S. Hi Aunt Patti!!!!

::Catching up...::

I have so much to talk about!!! I have no idea where to begin, so this post might be a little scattered...

First off, I'd like to start with the hard thing to talk about... We went to Ohio two weeks ago to a Sunday School Conference. We were there Thursday - Saturday. On Saturday am... I woke up, and went to take a shower... I get in the shower, and look down and their is blood. Dripping down my legs. I stared. My next thought was to get Phil... so I started screaming. (in a hotel room) Immediately, I felt myself start to hyperventilate. All I could think was, I can't go through this again... I just can't. I start bawling, I couldn't breathe. Phil is standing there, saying... "honey calm down, it's okay" How in the world can this be okay??!?! I'm thinking... all of the memories of last summer, and losing my first child came whirling in my brain... you see, this is how I lost my first, in the shower. I saw the same blood... everything I had tried so hard to get beyond, came right back... Finally after about 30 minutes in the shower, calming down and talking to God... I got out, and laid on the bed. The bleeding was slowing down, and I wasn't cramping at all. Cramping is a clear sign of miscarriage. I could barely walk with my first miscarriage, I was cramping so hard. I called the on call doctor, and we spoke about what I should do... I don't want to go into gory details... (lol not that I haven't already right?) There was a clear explanation, and everything turned out fine. When we got back into Illinois, on Monday I went for a Sono just to make sure everything was fine... The baby looked great. Heart rate was 171 (1st sono it was 146) and she said everything was just as it was supposed to be. Talk about relief!!!! God is good. But oh the memories, and the fears, and the feelings... I had no idea it could all come back that easily... I believe God heard me in the shower, I believe that He knew I couldn't handle another loss... Do you believe that God can hear you? When you pray, do you know He hears even our thoughts? Which is proof we don't need to pray out loud. God can hear us. Isn't that so comforting? God knows each one of our hearts...

On a lighter note... I am 10 weeks and 1 day today!!! Morning sickness is an all day thing for me, and a constant reminder of the little one growing like crazy in there! The smell of Ranch dressing last night made me sick. It's stuff like that... or just a thought, or even just my tummy didn't like what I ate. Two Wednesdays ago, I set a personal record of vomiting 15 times in one day. Even water didn't want to stay down! This has been the only "rough" physical part so far... You try doin it everyday multiple times and see if you don't agree with me :) All is well though, and the baby is now an inch and a half long! :) My uterus is supposed to be the size of a grapefruit now, even though it feels like it's a football! Yeah... the bloated feeling is great too :) Please don't take this as complaining... I'm very thankful... just a little wore out already! lol

The wedding this past weekend, was beautiful. Sharon & CJ looked amazing, and it was a great joy to be a part of their wedding, and get to spend alot of time with "the girls" from college days... We left Wednesday right after work, and drove straight through, well sort of. We got really tired a couple of times, and pulled over to sleep... It took a total of 15 hours of driving time! Trust me, I was ready to be out of the car!!! On our way home we broke it into two days, and went to Knoxville Saturday night. We got to spend some much needed time with our very dear friends the Howells. It was so neat to be able to talk "baby" with Meg, and just to have their fellowship again. They are renovating a house close to the church, and we got to see it. It will be amazing, and it was great to see them so excited about it! We went to Wasabi for supper... and omg... that was just the perfect touch of the evening! I had my favorite sushi (no worries, it's all fish I can have) I about had a hissy fit eating it, it was wonderful! We went to church at Temple on Sunday am, then had lunch with Mel & Jonathan again, much needed time with friends. Mel also loved to talk to the baby and pat my belly that is still all my wonderful fat :)

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I can't wait for turkey!!!! The time with family is the best part though... oh, and of course having the next day off to sleep in!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving... and be sure to be thankful for all that God has given you... Being thankful just doesn't seem like it's enough for the miracle that God has given me... God truly is good.

For heaven's sake...

I've been horrible at blogging lately! Please rest assured, that I'm not giving up my blogging any time soon... I've been incredibly busy lately, and between being busy, I'm puking :) Yup... full flegged morning sickness :) Don't get me wrong... it's great lol It's a daily reminder that God has answered our prayers! I have so much to write about... but so little time. Phil and I are going to a wedding Georgia this weekend, we leave tonight, then we'll be back late Sunday night... Pray for us... He is a groomsmen and I am the pianist... And boy am I ever nervous!!! :) Everything will be great though, and we are so looking forward to seeing so many of our college friends...

I will write again on Monday... Again, I have so much to write about... I've had a few small complications, and stress n' such... But God is good. And the baby is just perfect. Tune back in next Monday!

Again, I'm sorry for the delay... thanks to all my faithful readers for your patience...

Oh... if you haven't seen a picture of the baby... feel free to visit my other blog here.

::Unworthy::

I've been trying for days to think of how to write this on here... Have you ever as a Christian or even just in a situation with family/friends... been through a hard time, and wished you had handled it better? I feel so unworthy of God's blessing... There were times, I would clench my teeth I'd be so angry... angry that I couldn't do what every other woman made seem so easy. Times when I seriously wondered if God could hear me, or He just got tired of hearing from me, so He stoped listening. Times when all I could do was cry... Because the desire in my heart over whelmed me... I look back at those times now, and wish that I'd been a better person, a better Christian and a better wife... We all go through different things at different times, and different levels of heartache. Infertility... has been my thorn in the flesh. Could I have been better at this? Yes. Could I have been a better example? Yes. Could I have trusted God more? Yes. Could have have........... you fill in the blank, and I'll say, Yes. Do I regret it? No. Because all of this has made me such a better person. If you go through something like years of infertility, when God blesses you... it's such a sweet time...

Which leads me to my announcement....


I got a positive!!!


Yes, it's true... I'm pregnant! Very early, but it's there! Blood Test were good, and the nurse said... "You are definitely pregnant!" Today, I am 7weeks and 4days.

I have been shouting from the roof tops ever since last Wednesday... I'm trying to be level headed about it... I was in the first trimester when I lost my first last summer, which is where I am now. God knows, and He gave me this blessing for a reason...

I can't tell you how many prayers have been answered by this baby... so many people have been praying for me, and have been taking my burden before the Lord... I feel so unworthy of God's blessing...

For all of you who are still waiting on God whether it is for a child, or for something else... I'm praying for you. I've been exactly where you are, and I know exactly the feelings you have. And truthfully, all of you are probably handling this better than I ever did. Please pray for my husband and I, as we go through the first trimester... it's hard not to have the fear that the same thing will happen... But we have put it in God's hands... and God knows our hearts.

I can't help but be excited though!!! God answered prayer!! I have a child inside of me!!! Phil and I both are ecstatic that God chose to bless our home... and we are praying the same for you.

::Redeeming myself::

Hi all:

I feel like maybe I need to redeem myself from my last post...

God is good, all the time. I know that, and it's been something that I've told myself over and over. Just sometimes, the devil just loves to have my heart as a playground. The last time I posted, the six days prior to that, I had found out about probably 20 people who were expecting, and it just seemed so overwhelming... I kept asking God when it would be my turn. Sounds selfish and immature, I know. But after over three and a half years of trying to concieve... alot of things change in your mind, and in your heart.

You become more sensitive to say, um, someone saying thier "tired of their children", or they "don't know how to keep from getting pregant"... things like that. Things that if you have never had to struggle with concieving, or losing a child... you wouldn't understand.

So please forgive me. I'm so happy for all of you who are expecting. I'm happy that God has chosen to bless you. I'm happy that your family is growing! I really really am. The devil just got ahold of me for a while... and my flesh was reigning at the moment.

We are waiting, again. I had the HSG test last month, showing that the good ovary side, the tube was blocked. I didn't naturally start my cycle because of not having fertility medicine. So I've been put on Provera again to start the cycle. Pray for me... it messes with my hormones, and does something horrible with my emotions! Pray that God will give us a miracle this month. I'd love to be able to join the other million people who are pregnant!

To those of you who left comments on my last post... thank you. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. And that other people think that way too sometimes! I pray for all of you so often, because I know exactly what you are going through. It's been over three and a half years... I have some experience...

I'd like to write a book sometime about my struggle with infertility. Not a book that tells you how to get pregnant, but more how to deal with maybe the idea of not ever becoming a birth mother, and being able to cope spiritually and mentally with that. Pray for me on this... I'd want it to be encouraging and uplifting, and bring praise to God. You know, sometimes it's hard not to think that God isn't listening... or that He doesn't hear us. I want everyone to know that He does listen and He does care.

In church last night, Pastor spoke about David and his affair with Bathsheeba (sp?), and the consequence of their sin which was thier son dying. We've been doing this study on fasting, and why they did and such. Pastor said this is one way we know that men didn't write the Bible, but that they were spirit led in what to write. Because if man were writing the Bible, they would have changed this. We were reading about how thier son was sick, and David fell to the ground and stayed there fasting, begging God to heal his son. And the son died. God chose not to heal him. After the son died, David got up from off the ground, cleaned up, and ate. The men questioned him... David stopped because there wasn't anything else he could do. God had chosen to take his son from him. And probably because of the sin that David committed. David himself thought he should die for his sin... At the end of everything, David said, I shall go to him. God had mercy on David, and spared his life. Oh! Can you imagine! All I could think about was my baby that waits for me in heaven. I've mourned, I've wept many tears, but it's been laid at Jesus's feet... I can think of so many other things in my life that I need to do that with. How many of us would be better Christians, and better people if we just left things in God's hands?

I had to also think that maybe God knew some of what David felt when his son died. Or He would know, the crucifiction hadn't taken place yet, but God knows all. Do you think maybe God knew that one day He would send His Son to pay for our sin? Oh! How humbling the thought that God would send His Son to die for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do that. I'm so thankful that God had that much love for us, that He sent His ONLY Son to die for us. It's just like the song says... Amazing Love, how can this be?! And to think all we have to do, is ask Him, to come in our heart and save us. Accept His love and enjoy His salvation for eternity!

::I just have to get this out...::

Is anyone out there NOT pregnant?!?!?!

Seems like the past week I've heard about EVERYONE that is pregnant.

Sucks. It really does. And it's all you can do just to keep a smile...

Disclaimer: I'm happy for them, just... you wouldn't understand unless you've been where I am.

::It's okay, to not be okay::

I need to write about something that I don't want to.

Sometimes, I struggle with listening to God. Sometimes the Bible stings like salt on an open wound. Our pastor preached Sunday p.m. on "Bringing forth fruit" The first point was the fruit of bearing children. I almost laughed out loud when he said it. In my heart, I was saying "Seriously God?!?!?" I sat there clinching my teeth for about the first two minutes, then I just couldn't do it. I had to leave. I walked quietly out of the auditorium, and barely made it to the bathroom. I went in one of the stalls, and had myself a crying fit. It helps sometimes, you should try it.

You see, one of the biggest things I struggle with is, I have this huge desire to raise a family for God, to raise them to sing in church, and serve the Lord with us. I have always had this dream, of seeing my family in a pew at church. It'd be Phil then me, then four squirmy kids wanting to go play beside me. It's not as if I want to have children to ________________ you can fill in the blank. It's not for a bad reason, it's for good. It's a godly thing to want to raise a family in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But for some reason, God is just not letting it happen for me.

So I sat in the bathroom trying to calm down, and had no idea how I could go back out there and listen. I prayed silently for a while, trying to calm my spirit. I went and cleaned off my face, or the lack from makeup that now wasn't there... A very kindred spirit came in after me... she was already crying, and came back specifically to hug me. She knows. She may not have been through the same thing, but she knows how my heart hurts, and how hearing things like that hurt. We hugged and cried and sobbed. God gave me someone to lean on. Then she said "Phil is crying too". He hurts too. I may not say that enough on here, but Phil is in this just as much as I am. He seems to handle emotions better than I do, but don't most men?

Her saying this made me cry even more. My heart felt like it weighed as much as an ox. We barley said any words cleaning our faces off... but she knew I needed her, and that meant the world to me. God knew that I needed His arms wrapped around me, so He sent her. I am oh so thankful for this person, and the encouragement that she is to me. We have another major thing in common, we've both lost a child. I have a little porcelain cross sitting in my living room from her. It's a reminder to me that I have a child in Heaven waiting for me, but even more so, it's a reminder that she cares, and will always be there for me. I hope she knows just how much she means to me.

We quietly slipped back into the service, and I sat and stared. I was trying to keep my heart from being torn up again. Phil put his arm around me, and squeezed. I knew he knew. He had is handkerchief out, and handed it to me, and said "It's okay".

For all of you out there, who are going through the same thing, it's okay to get upset. It's okay to cry. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to not be okay.

::Reality::

This month has moved very slow for me. I guess maybe because my chances of anything changing on the IF homefront were slim to none beacause of the testing. Hope has become my most desired trait of these days. Hope that maybe one day, all of my dreams will come true.

We went to California a week and a half ago... it was a much needed time away. Phil and I spent the majority of the time with each other. It was great. The family there is so different from what I am used to, and the mentality is so different. I slipped out of reality. I had fun, I forgot. I truely forgot. I don't know if that's a good thing, or if it's bad... And maybe because we were so busy that I didn't have time to think. We were too busy sight seeing, and enjoying time with family.

We went for a wedding, and it was absolutely beautiful. I remember thinking when I first saw the bride... I remember that. I remember feeling like I was the most beautiful person on the earth in my huge white wedding gown. It brought back great memories of Phil and I's wedding... We did devotions together on Sunday AM, I can't remember the exact scripture, but it was in Psalms. It talked about the different voices of God. One verse talked about His voice being like thunder, and another of how His voice is full of mercy. It was so neat.

We went to the beach the morning we were leaving and just walked up and down, and got soaked :) I have some of the neatest pictures to help me remember. We went through security, and got breakfast, then waited for our plane... I remember feeling really depressed. Like I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wasn't done being away. We got on the plane, and the tears came. I cried silently for at least an hour. Because I knew what was happening... I was going back to reality. Life waited for me at the other side... Sometimes? Reality sucks.

I didn't start my period this month... today I called in the perscription for Provera. We are trying Clomid again. I think 150 mg. Yes... welcome back to reality.

::Thinking::

I'm a music person. I've always loved music. Being a musician, or at least this is how I am... I read the music, but I hear the words. I comprehend words. If you ask me the words to almost any song I've heard, or played, I can tell you the words to all the verses. My point is, I love lyrics. My spirit is refreshed, and it causes me to stop and worship God. I was driving home the other day, and I've heard this song a few times, but for some reason, it stuck with me. I had to raise my hand and praise God for giving me this moment to know and ponder how wonderful He really is!
One part of the song says:
I could try to be somebody else
Who's much better off than me
But I need to remember this
That it's when I'm at my weakest
I can clearly see
He made the lame walk and the dumb talk
And He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need
And the world waits while His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like if we let Jesus live thru you and me.

It's by Big Daddy Weave (who I <3). HERE is a like to the music video. Take a minute, and listen/watch. The words are amazing.

::Nearing the end::

This is how I see it. I'm nearing the end of all the medicine and tests, and having my blood drawn like I'm the victim of a million mosquitoes. Here is how the past few days have been:

Friday - Woke early to shower and get ready for the test. I'd been nervous for days about the test... but more so about the results I might get. We got dressed for the day, him in his work clothes, and me in dress clothes. We drove separately to the hospital, and I so badly was wishing that we'd ridden together... but since we were going separate ways, that wasn't possible. I needed his consoling and his hand holding mine. I was so very nervous...

We got registered at the hospital, where we saw a cost sheet... yeah, it's almost $5,000 per half hour for the operating room. Can you imagine?!?!? We walked back to radiology, and I was taken to get changed. We went back to the room, and she looked at Phil and said okay... this is as far as you can go... My heart dropped to the basement of the hospital. I had to do this alone. Great.

I practically begged her to let him come in, it got him into the outer room of the x-ray room. He could watch the x-ray machine on a little screen. It helped knowing he was right outside, but still... I needed his hand. I'll skip some details here, because some are inappropriate to share. Let's just leave it at: they had to do the process four times. Yup. Four times. The first time, the catheter was turned, and the other two were just them being human, the fourth time, it worked. The first try, I was coming off the table... it hurt so bad. Second and Third... Phil heard me. It was the most painful thing I think I have ever done. The dye and x-ray part weren't that bad... So on this screen... they show me where the uterus is filling up... I roll to the right, then to the left... Soon, the left side branches out like it's supposed to... the right side, nothing. It's blocked.

So yes, that was my diagnosis. One side open, One side closed. Another cherry to add to the top. I got cleaned up, while limping around like a 90 year old... changed, and I was free to go. They would contact my doctor. We got to the cars, and Phil suggested we go for breakfast to talk. We got sat down, and all I could do was cry. My body killed, and my heart was falling apart. It took me a while, but I finally got food down. I was ready to go to work, and get my mind off of reality. Phil was very adamant about going home and resting. After much conversation... I obeyed my husband. My boss was horrible. She wasn't very happy, and made the statement that if I did come in... my head had to be on straight. That didn't help. At all.

We got home, changed, and I went to bed. This is where it all came to... I started having cramping, and stomach pain like no other. I switched positions thinking it was just the dye... that didn't help. I started yelping. I got out of bed, that didn't help. I knelt on the floor and leaned over my bed... that didn't help. I took 800mg of IB... that didn't help. It was horrible. It was at least 5 times the pain that I had when I miscarried. I didn't know what to do... the nurse had said "you might have some light cramping" yeah, right. If she was here, I'd knock her to the floor. :) I laid back on the bed and got as comfortable as I could, and told Phil if it lasted another hour, we'd call the doctor. We fell asleep and woke up almost three hours later. Emotion and Fatigue were the culprits... but it helped, the pain wasn't nearly as bad.

I spoke with my cousin, R who is a FNP, and she said that when she worked for an OB during schooling, they put the person out during this procedure. Ha! I didn't even get any pain medicine, and no one even told me to take anything. She thinks it was certain area's being pushed and prodded that they got majorly bruised besides my uterus being stretched among everything else that was! Her orders were to find a comfortable position and stay there. So I did.

Today which is Wednesday, five days after the procedure and I'm just now where I don't have pain. The only time I can tell is when I'm on my feet for a long time or running around the office, I get some light cramps, but other than that... all is well.

So as for the results... Phil and I have been talking the past few days, and I talked to the doctor today, we have one more option next month, we are going to try the clomid one more time. Next month will be my left ovary and the left fallopian tube. The ovary is the one that hasn't done very good in the past, and the fallopian tube is the only one I have that is open. So we are going to pray that with God's wisdom to man, medicine and God's grace to will a miracle, we'll give it another try. The next step is surgery, and we aren't quite sure of that yet. We'll get more details and discuss our options with our doctor. I'll be sure to let you know if/when that is going to happen.

"God is good, all the time" This is what has been going through my head the past few days. Almost trying to talk myself into it. Sometimes, it's really hard to believe... ya know? I want to believe. I want to believe that someday I will be a mother of my own biological child. I want to believe that one day, I'll look back on this and say... God was with me each step of the way. I want to believe that God hears me. I want to believe that God can take this desire away from me, and direct it somewhere else. But for now, I struggle. I struggle with not being able to bare a child on my own. I struggle with knowing if God is beside me. I struggle with thinking God can't possibly hear me. I struggle with giving it up. Giving it up and letting God take care of my life, even if it is as a barren woman. I believe. I really do... but sometimes... my unbelief is too heavy to bare.

Nature took it's course...

So on Friday night... nature took course, and my cycle began. It is always a very emotional time for me... but add in the nervousness about the test, and it's doubled. Here's what was going through my head:

• Phil was two hours late getting home from working at the church, that made me upset.
• I saw blood and was reminded of the baby I lost (which happens every month...), that made me upset.
• I have been sick for the past week, and am tired of it, that made me upset.
• I made myself sick because I was so upset, and that made me upset.
• Another month, I'm not pregnant... that made me upset.

So, as you can see... Friday night wasn't the best of nights. Phil was so gracious, and held me for forever. Alot of my being upset was from not feeling good, and being tired of not feeling good. Then I got period cramps and that didn't help. I really didn't expect it to happen this month. But we always have a glimmer of hope that our dreams will come true.

The test is set for Friday, September 12th. I have to be there at 7:30 a.m.

Here is what we might find out:

• Tubes are clear, everthing is good. No answer to my infertilness.
• Everything is covered in Endo, and or cysts. (surgery required)
• Blockages that can be opened. (surgery required)
• Too many problems, and nothing can be done. Move on to other options.

There are other things we could find out, but I don't want to go into that much detail. Please just keep Phil and I in your prayers as this is a very private thing for us, but we need as much prayer as possible. We need God to lift our spirits and our faith.

P.S. - What do you think of my new layout? :) I thought it didn't look as depressing :D

I'm here

I'm sick. Again. For the umm.... third time since Spring with a head cold. :( Had a touch of the flu on Tuesday, now a cold. Yup, I don't feel good.

Thought I'd let you know I'm still alive. Nothing new in "mission baby". Just waiting for the positive, or waiting for nature to take course. If nature does, I'll be having the out patient testing done. I'll let everyone know about that... so you can pray. I'm very nervous and anxious about the test...

Thanks for all the encouragement! I need it more than you can imagine. Sorry for the delay in posting... it might be a while before I post again. Because of the test, we won't be doing any treatment in September. Please pray that God will give us a miracle soon!

Nothing really...

to report about. I'm pretty sure that I ovulated over the weekend, which would be great. We pray that God will let it happen when we least expect it... and we don't expect it to happen this month. But my God is a God of miracles! :)

My birthday is in 5 days... I'll be 25. Sounds so old to me.

I wanted to ask everyone to share thier favorite Bible verse. Is there a verse that always encourages you or lifts you up? I'd love to know it, so please share!

One that has become especially important to me lately is one I've shared on here before, but I have it posted on my desk at work to encourage me. It is...

That your faith should not stand in the power of men, but in the power of God. I Cor 2:5

Test Results & You're not alone.

Test Results...

For some reason, Phil and I were both nervous going into the appointment today. I have no idea, we just were... They took us back, and I got ready... Right ovary, nothing. Left ovary, One. And it's size was... 18. Trigger shot was not given. My heart felt like it hit a pile of broken glass. It was all I could do not to break down while she finished.... Phil walked me to my car while I was tearing up, he kept saying... "It will happen, it will..." That is so hard to believe after three years and four months of nothing happening. So needless to say... today isn't a red letter day.

I was on my way back from the appointment and had the radio on... this song by Meredith Andrews came on... The words spoke to my heart, and made me cry even harder... Sometimes, even though I know I'm not... I feel so alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I searched for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin...

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true...

Forever, For my love will carry you...

Tomorrow, I will go in for my Day 14 Sono. We'll see how many follies I have, and how big they are. I'm always worried that they won't be there, or that they will be size 10 when they need to be 20-24. I know it sounds stupid, but until you've been there, don't judge :) If they are good size, like they were last month, I'll be given the Ovidrel shot (which hurts like no other.) Phil will come with me, as he always does. He knows that I need him there, and his support.

Speaking of my husband... we were talking last night, (which I so appreciate out ability to be open and honest with each other, most marriages don't have that) and of course, our old family friend was on my mind... infertility. I had told him earlier that when I was at Wal-Mart I just had to go by the baby section... and the smells made me wander into the isles. All I could do was finger the really soft blankets, and dream of which stroller we would pick. The smells of the lotions, powders and diapers made me tear up, and I had to basically run out of the department before I would lose it. He's response to me was "Oh man, why'd you do that?!?!?" lol He knows me so well... Like, why did you go near it? I never thought of it, but it's alot like what Satan does with sin, depression in my case. He'll take you farther than you want to go, slowly but wholly taking control (yes, that's a song). It was like the devil was creeping down my neck with accusations as to why I'm not the mother I've always wanted to be. If I'm not careful, I can feel the bitterness starting to seep in... The devil knows just which strings to pull to make us start slipping, then our flesh does the rest... I told Phil, sometimes, it's like I'm in a river, and I can't swim and I'm trying to keep my head above water so that I can breathe. That's what infertility can feel like. The pills, doctor appointments, doing research, disappointment, tears... That's the water... and I'm trying so very hard to stay on top of it all... just so I can breathe.

The power of my God

Have you ever been looking through your Bible, maybe during preaching or devotions, and you saw a verse that you swear you have never seen before? Maybe it's God pointing it out to us? Maybe it's the time in our lives when we are going through trials that we read the verse? Our Pastor preached on "Endurance" last night, and the endurance that Paul had. I forget what verse he was on, but Phil said... "Wow, look at this..." He got my attention to read it right then... here is what I saw....

"That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." I Cor 2:5

Wow! God is sooo good. He knows just when I need a little encouragement.

When going through a valley, like infertility, hearing of a new baby, or someone else getting pregnant, or the big one is... "We are getting "fixed"", these seem like such big things. (No disrespect meant to those who have made the fixing decision) The devil has really been fighting me this week. My faith has wavered, I'm ashamed to admit. A lady in our church just had a baby on Tuesday and the Grandma was proudly showing pictures, and gave testimony to the awesome miracle that a baby is, how precious, and amazing that God creates them! Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with her. But my teeth hurt from clenching down so hard to keep from crying. Why can't God give me a miracle?!?!? Yes, my faith waivered... but God knew, and He knows. I think He knows we have to go through hard times to get to the high points. The verse that Phil found last night, was a high point for me. God knew my faith was weary... and He knew I needed a "faith lift". Thank you God... and oh... Believe in the Power of God!

Test Results N' Such

Well, I'm sorry it's taken me a few days... but the test results came back on Thursday... My Progesterone level was 29! Which was awesome, but some of those digits are because of me being on Prometrium which is progesterone... so... My doc said that was still a good thing, but I couldn't use that number for how "strong" of an ovulation I had. And... I started my cycle.

I was talking with a friend of mine this morning... who I feel has become a kindred spirit. She knows alot of what I'm going through... she said this is how she had to look at it - "God must really REALLY love us to give us such hard times, because He knows it will draw us closer to Him if we let it. It's that "refining fire"". The statement "if we let him" convicted my heart... am I using this to let God work in my life? Or am I just using it against God? Tears are pouring down my face as I write this... I'm so convicted. Sometimes, it's so hard to see past myself, and see what God might have for others through this. All I can think of is that God isn't letting me have the child I've dreamed of having, but maybe He wants others to see His Grace and His Mercy through me. I don't think that's been happening... I want God to use me, and I want to be in His perfect will. But why does it have to be so darn hard to get over myself and past my feelings that God doesn't know where I am?! Does He know where I am? Have I given Him what He needs to know where I am? God, help me be a better servant of you, and a willing spirit to be used of You, no matter what it takes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We met with the doc this morning, and went over my full sheet of paper with questions... We ended up being with her for almost an hour. She is so gracious, and has a wonderful way of explaining things. We reevaluated where we were headed and what was next... She thinks it'd be a good thing for me to have a hysterosalpingogram (yeah... psssh try sayin that one!) This is where they will inject dye into my reproductive system, and check for blockages, and for the most common thing... endometriosis. Just that though is enough to scare me... then I'd have two strikes against me! We will schedule that for the next month, if God doesn't will a miracle this month! So on with this month, I start the Clomid process again...

Pray for God's grace and mercy... I need it.

Grr....

Waiting for lab results schmucks! I had blood taken on Friday, August the 1st, for my Progesterone level... We need high numbers!!!

Hopefully soon, I'll dictate (I don't know if that's the right word...) The last few months of my treatment. Anyway... come on lab! Hurry up!!!!! :)

I don't have alot of patience today... can you tell?

Dear God, Why Can't We Have a Baby?

I am always searching for things on the internet, and searching my Bible for things about infertility. I saw this on Bethany which is an awesome site! I read this and thought John's response was very interesting to me. Take it or leave it, I thought it was good, and it encouraged me. Also, some of the verses are quoted in NIV - I am a firm believer in the KJV 1611!




Dear John Van Regenmorter,

All my life I've dreamed of becoming a wife and mother: I would be married in my early 20s and have four children by the time I was 30. I firmly believed that if God had put such a desire in my heart, He would certainly fulfill it. I didn't get married until I was 30 1/2. During our second year of marriage, my husband had trouble with a seizure disorder. We tried for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant. Then in 1997, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I praise God that I am cancer-free, but now I've learned that all those months I kept charts, I never ovulated! I am 36 years old now, and I feel it is hopeless and useless to keep trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I feel God has played a cruel joke on me. He gave me the desire to be a mother, but then removed the ability. I don't have a problem with adoption, but we can't afford it. I feel like a second-rate person. I'm not good enough to be given children. Even single teens have children, while I can't.



John's Response:

I understand your deep frustration and sense of despair. Life does not seem fair! We hear stories of careless teens or abusive parents becoming pregnant, while couples who love the Lord are sometimes left with empty arms.You raise some good questions for which I do not have the adequate answers. Ultimately, the answers to your questions may need to wait until you can talk to Jesus face-to-face. Until then, we are called to live by faith, not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). And frankly, God never promised that living by faith would be easy!Though I cannot answer all of your questions, I would like to make a couple of observations:First, your question reminds me of Asaph, the writer of Psalm 73. Asaph was a godly man who also fell into the trap of thinking that God was not treating him fairly. As Asaph saw it, God seemed to be showering His blessings on unbelievers, while Asaph barely received a sprinkle. Asaph wrote: "They [the wicked] have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man" (vs. 4-5 NIV). As far as Asaph could tell, there was no point in being godly because God seemed to be blessing the ungodly more than him.However, at the end of Psalm 73, Asaph came to realize that his thinking had been shortsighted and wrong. He saw that our life on earth was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of our existence. Sure, unbelievers may have things to pretty well for them in this life, including the opportunity to have babies, but unless they repent and bow their knees, their final destiny is not a pretty picture. As Asaph put it, "Then I understood their final destiny... How suddenly they are destroyed" (vs. 19 NIV). As for those who have maintained their walk with God, they have the most important blessing: They know that in the midst of all their troubles, God has remained with them, and they will be in the joy of God's presence forever. As Asaph declared:
Yet, I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.You guide me by your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. (vs. 23-24). Second, it is easy for Christians to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow God owes us something because we have been so good. He owes us nothing! Each of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:16). Any gift we receive from God, including children, is a gift of grace, totally unearned and undeserved. And if God -- for reasons known only to His divine and sovereign will -- chooses to give gifts to people who appear more sinful than we are, who are we to question him? The apostle Paul puts it bluntly when he asks: "But who are you O man to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Third, it is true that all of the well-known infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Hannah and Elkanah, and Zechariah and Elizabeth) eventually were able to have children. But it is also true that God does not grant every prayerful desire (see 2 Corinthians 12:8-9). The Father did not, could not, even grant the request of His own Son to have the awful cup of Calvary taken from Him (Mt. 26:39). God never promises that He will reward the faithful with an easy road through life. If you doubt that, read what happened to some of the most faithful saints in the Bible (Hebrews 11: 35-40). What God promises us is that He will eventually, either in this life or in the life to come, turn our adversity into our profit.

My Story

My husband and I met in 2002. We started dating in November of 02. My life completely changed when I met Phil. My walk with God was not what it should have been, and that caused somethings in our dating time to be different than what I'd always dreamed. Phil was a newly rededicated Christian, and I was a girl that struggled with many things. A great pair... God saw my need for Him and wanted me to be HIS faithful child. I didn't quite see that.

We had an awesome time while we were dating... we grew so close. I have never known anyone to be so caring, and to be such a wonderful friend. And that's what he became. My best friend. I'll never forget our first Christmas together with my family... I knew that he was the one for me. Now, for those who knew me then, know that a guy was the farthest thing from my mind. I wanted a career! Make money and live in Chicago! Seriously. That was me. When I think of that now, all I can do is laugh at myself. God has done some serious work on me!

So, in June of 2004... I married my man. I became a Mrs. and it felt better than anything in the world! I still look down at my wedding ring and stare in wonder of what God has done in my life. 10 days after we married, Phil took me to Tennessee where we began our married lives. This is a sad part in my story... I struggled. I had a new home, a new church, a new job, my friends & family were gone, Phil worked 2nd shift (after school) and I worked 1st... and there was someone in my bed! I gained more weight, I was sad, and I blamed God and Phil for turning my world upside down. For weeks after we got married, I wondered what in the world I was thinking when I said "Yes". This time in my life is hard for me to admit to. I was the Preachers Daughter. I wasn't allowed to be depressed or upset with God. During this time, I had no idea all that Phil did for me. When I look back on it now, I see God. I see that HE was my Rock. God gave Phil the wisdom he needed to take care of me.

It was a few weeks later, we started gaining more friends... I started to actually like my job, and I was learning, "hey! It's kinda nice to be away from everyone!" I began to see that God gave me this time to cherish my marriage and to grow even closer to my husband, and to the Lord. God began to work in our lives and change us for the better. We became closer to God, and closer to each other. I had no idea that I could be any closer with my husband until then. Now, don't get me wrong, there were tons of tears, hurtful words, hugs and talking... It took us a little while. But Oh! What a difference God makes in our lives when we let Him.

In the beginning of 2005, Phil became burdend for us to go to England on a missions trip. So in May of '05 we hopped in a plane and took the very long journey there. This is where God matured us alot in our Christian lives. Phil got to street preach, and I sang in the middle of a town square, all by myself. We were staying a total of 17 days. We were about 3/4 the way through our trip, and I all of the sudden had this urge to start a family.... uh oh.

We had always planned to wait about two years before we would start trying... but God had other plans. When I talked to Phil about it, he said "okay, stop taking your pills". I was overjoyed! OMG! We are gonna have a baby! Start a family! And of course they will sing, and play the piano just like their mommy. I remember us laying in our room, and talking about what it would be like to have a family. I knew I was ready, and I knew that God had put the desire in my heart. So... we get home from our trip... and we go one month without pills... then two, then three... and so on. Nothing is happening. When we first started trying, I was so nieve... I thought it would just happen! I was already planning out I would tell my family. Almost a year to the day, I went to my OB, and we conversed about it... He said it was just my weight, and we worked on that mean while still trying. He gave me these charts to start taking my temp... and checking other things... It flabergasted me. After about three months, he started me on Clomid. I would come in for blood on day 21, and none of this worked. My Progesterone was a level 2!!! That means my body was doing nothing. We decided to wait a while, and let God work.

January of 06, we got refered to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (sp) and I was diagnosed with PCOS. This was my first time being "diagnosed" with anything! It was freaky! The Dr. said I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant on my own. All I remember is crying the whole way back to work, and not being able to think the rest of the day. This is where my struggle began. We did a few months with this doctor, and it became expensive. We were college kids. When we made our monthly bills we had to celebrate! So we waited some more...

July of 07, My hardest day ever. This may take me awhile to get out.... so bear with me...
It was a Saturday, and the Rowell family reunion was in the afternoon. I had been cleaning that morning, and went to take a shower to get ready to go. I had been kinda crampy all day, and just thought my period was coming. I was in the shower, and all of the sudden, blood came gushing, and clots, large ones. I stood there and watched my baby go down the drain. I had no idea. The blood just kept coming... I barely finished my shower, and went and woke my napping husband. "I think I just miscarried" He held me as I stared in shock. My head was dizzy and my body ached all over. Nothing could ache more than my heart. I took it light for the next few days, and went to the Doctor on Tuesday AM. A positive pregnancy test confirmed my greatest fear. I had lost the child I had longed for... for so long. It was odd at first, because I didn't even know that I was pregnant. With PCOS, it isn't odd to miss a period once in a while, in fact, it's common.

After I left the Dr., I called Phil - (he had made plans to be out of town with our visiting family) Whew. I didn't want to tell him. I held up though pretty good, until I reached my mother who was expecting me. I walked in the front door and collapsed in her arms. My body shook with anger, tears and sorrow. Maybe I thought the tears would make everything be okay? I went home, and went to bed. Maybe tomorrow would be better.

"If it happened once, it can happen again" "I'm so sorry" "Look at the positive side!" "Where's your smile?" "It will happen" "In God's timing" "Just be patient" I could go on and on... these were some things that were said to me on a daily basis. I could feel the anger in me start to get bigger every time someone would say these things. Now, I know just as you do, they were just trying to encourage me. But at that time, that is the farthest thing that I was thinking about.

I tried to carry on with normal life. I think it was around three months before I didn't cry every night/day. My heart was hurting. It still hurts. This past month, was a year. I've gotten alot better, and I know that God is taking care of our child. But I have to be careful. I start to question God. Why couldn't I be the one taking care of my baby? Who does my baby look like? Does my baby ache for me, like my arms ache to hold it? WHY GOD?!?!? Why does it hurt, and why does it hurt so very much? Of course with God's grace and mercy, we got through it.

I know that I was very fortunate to have such an early miscarriage, and there are tons of other things to be thankful for. I didn't have to have surgery, or alot of treatment. I just had a daily reminder for three weeks what my body & heart had been through.

It has taken me a year to write about my miscarriage. God has given me peace, and now everytime I want to talk to God about my baby, I have a special rocking chair that is my reminder that God is holding my baby until I can one day in Heaven.

Romans 15:13 - Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

January of '08 - Time to get serious. I have a good job, with even better insurance. We've been "working hard" for 8 consecutive months now with an OB that specializes in infertility.

This blog is all about my daily walk with infertility. I'd appreciate your prayers for Phil and I that we would have the strength and grace to walk this road with God as our guide.