Nothing really...

to report about. I'm pretty sure that I ovulated over the weekend, which would be great. We pray that God will let it happen when we least expect it... and we don't expect it to happen this month. But my God is a God of miracles! :)

My birthday is in 5 days... I'll be 25. Sounds so old to me.

I wanted to ask everyone to share thier favorite Bible verse. Is there a verse that always encourages you or lifts you up? I'd love to know it, so please share!

One that has become especially important to me lately is one I've shared on here before, but I have it posted on my desk at work to encourage me. It is...

That your faith should not stand in the power of men, but in the power of God. I Cor 2:5

Test Results & You're not alone.

Test Results...

For some reason, Phil and I were both nervous going into the appointment today. I have no idea, we just were... They took us back, and I got ready... Right ovary, nothing. Left ovary, One. And it's size was... 18. Trigger shot was not given. My heart felt like it hit a pile of broken glass. It was all I could do not to break down while she finished.... Phil walked me to my car while I was tearing up, he kept saying... "It will happen, it will..." That is so hard to believe after three years and four months of nothing happening. So needless to say... today isn't a red letter day.

I was on my way back from the appointment and had the radio on... this song by Meredith Andrews came on... The words spoke to my heart, and made me cry even harder... Sometimes, even though I know I'm not... I feel so alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I searched for love, when the night came, and it closed in, I was alone, but you found me, where I was hiding, and now I'll never ever be same, it was the sweetest voice, that called my name sayin...

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every fear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest night, And I'm the one that who's loved you all your life, All of your life

You cry your self to sleep, cause the hurt is real, and the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost, with heart ache your closest friend, and everyone else long gone, you've had to face the music on your own, but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone, For I am here, let me wipe away your every tear, My love I've never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, And I'm the one who's love you all your life, All your life

Faithful and true...

Forever, For my love will carry you...

Tomorrow, I will go in for my Day 14 Sono. We'll see how many follies I have, and how big they are. I'm always worried that they won't be there, or that they will be size 10 when they need to be 20-24. I know it sounds stupid, but until you've been there, don't judge :) If they are good size, like they were last month, I'll be given the Ovidrel shot (which hurts like no other.) Phil will come with me, as he always does. He knows that I need him there, and his support.

Speaking of my husband... we were talking last night, (which I so appreciate out ability to be open and honest with each other, most marriages don't have that) and of course, our old family friend was on my mind... infertility. I had told him earlier that when I was at Wal-Mart I just had to go by the baby section... and the smells made me wander into the isles. All I could do was finger the really soft blankets, and dream of which stroller we would pick. The smells of the lotions, powders and diapers made me tear up, and I had to basically run out of the department before I would lose it. He's response to me was "Oh man, why'd you do that?!?!?" lol He knows me so well... Like, why did you go near it? I never thought of it, but it's alot like what Satan does with sin, depression in my case. He'll take you farther than you want to go, slowly but wholly taking control (yes, that's a song). It was like the devil was creeping down my neck with accusations as to why I'm not the mother I've always wanted to be. If I'm not careful, I can feel the bitterness starting to seep in... The devil knows just which strings to pull to make us start slipping, then our flesh does the rest... I told Phil, sometimes, it's like I'm in a river, and I can't swim and I'm trying to keep my head above water so that I can breathe. That's what infertility can feel like. The pills, doctor appointments, doing research, disappointment, tears... That's the water... and I'm trying so very hard to stay on top of it all... just so I can breathe.

The power of my God

Have you ever been looking through your Bible, maybe during preaching or devotions, and you saw a verse that you swear you have never seen before? Maybe it's God pointing it out to us? Maybe it's the time in our lives when we are going through trials that we read the verse? Our Pastor preached on "Endurance" last night, and the endurance that Paul had. I forget what verse he was on, but Phil said... "Wow, look at this..." He got my attention to read it right then... here is what I saw....

"That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." I Cor 2:5

Wow! God is sooo good. He knows just when I need a little encouragement.

When going through a valley, like infertility, hearing of a new baby, or someone else getting pregnant, or the big one is... "We are getting "fixed"", these seem like such big things. (No disrespect meant to those who have made the fixing decision) The devil has really been fighting me this week. My faith has wavered, I'm ashamed to admit. A lady in our church just had a baby on Tuesday and the Grandma was proudly showing pictures, and gave testimony to the awesome miracle that a baby is, how precious, and amazing that God creates them! Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with her. But my teeth hurt from clenching down so hard to keep from crying. Why can't God give me a miracle?!?!? Yes, my faith waivered... but God knew, and He knows. I think He knows we have to go through hard times to get to the high points. The verse that Phil found last night, was a high point for me. God knew my faith was weary... and He knew I needed a "faith lift". Thank you God... and oh... Believe in the Power of God!

Test Results N' Such

Well, I'm sorry it's taken me a few days... but the test results came back on Thursday... My Progesterone level was 29! Which was awesome, but some of those digits are because of me being on Prometrium which is progesterone... so... My doc said that was still a good thing, but I couldn't use that number for how "strong" of an ovulation I had. And... I started my cycle.

I was talking with a friend of mine this morning... who I feel has become a kindred spirit. She knows alot of what I'm going through... she said this is how she had to look at it - "God must really REALLY love us to give us such hard times, because He knows it will draw us closer to Him if we let it. It's that "refining fire"". The statement "if we let him" convicted my heart... am I using this to let God work in my life? Or am I just using it against God? Tears are pouring down my face as I write this... I'm so convicted. Sometimes, it's so hard to see past myself, and see what God might have for others through this. All I can think of is that God isn't letting me have the child I've dreamed of having, but maybe He wants others to see His Grace and His Mercy through me. I don't think that's been happening... I want God to use me, and I want to be in His perfect will. But why does it have to be so darn hard to get over myself and past my feelings that God doesn't know where I am?! Does He know where I am? Have I given Him what He needs to know where I am? God, help me be a better servant of you, and a willing spirit to be used of You, no matter what it takes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We met with the doc this morning, and went over my full sheet of paper with questions... We ended up being with her for almost an hour. She is so gracious, and has a wonderful way of explaining things. We reevaluated where we were headed and what was next... She thinks it'd be a good thing for me to have a hysterosalpingogram (yeah... psssh try sayin that one!) This is where they will inject dye into my reproductive system, and check for blockages, and for the most common thing... endometriosis. Just that though is enough to scare me... then I'd have two strikes against me! We will schedule that for the next month, if God doesn't will a miracle this month! So on with this month, I start the Clomid process again...

Pray for God's grace and mercy... I need it.

Grr....

Waiting for lab results schmucks! I had blood taken on Friday, August the 1st, for my Progesterone level... We need high numbers!!!

Hopefully soon, I'll dictate (I don't know if that's the right word...) The last few months of my treatment. Anyway... come on lab! Hurry up!!!!! :)

I don't have alot of patience today... can you tell?

Dear God, Why Can't We Have a Baby?

I am always searching for things on the internet, and searching my Bible for things about infertility. I saw this on Bethany which is an awesome site! I read this and thought John's response was very interesting to me. Take it or leave it, I thought it was good, and it encouraged me. Also, some of the verses are quoted in NIV - I am a firm believer in the KJV 1611!




Dear John Van Regenmorter,

All my life I've dreamed of becoming a wife and mother: I would be married in my early 20s and have four children by the time I was 30. I firmly believed that if God had put such a desire in my heart, He would certainly fulfill it. I didn't get married until I was 30 1/2. During our second year of marriage, my husband had trouble with a seizure disorder. We tried for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant. Then in 1997, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I praise God that I am cancer-free, but now I've learned that all those months I kept charts, I never ovulated! I am 36 years old now, and I feel it is hopeless and useless to keep trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I feel God has played a cruel joke on me. He gave me the desire to be a mother, but then removed the ability. I don't have a problem with adoption, but we can't afford it. I feel like a second-rate person. I'm not good enough to be given children. Even single teens have children, while I can't.



John's Response:

I understand your deep frustration and sense of despair. Life does not seem fair! We hear stories of careless teens or abusive parents becoming pregnant, while couples who love the Lord are sometimes left with empty arms.You raise some good questions for which I do not have the adequate answers. Ultimately, the answers to your questions may need to wait until you can talk to Jesus face-to-face. Until then, we are called to live by faith, not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). And frankly, God never promised that living by faith would be easy!Though I cannot answer all of your questions, I would like to make a couple of observations:First, your question reminds me of Asaph, the writer of Psalm 73. Asaph was a godly man who also fell into the trap of thinking that God was not treating him fairly. As Asaph saw it, God seemed to be showering His blessings on unbelievers, while Asaph barely received a sprinkle. Asaph wrote: "They [the wicked] have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man" (vs. 4-5 NIV). As far as Asaph could tell, there was no point in being godly because God seemed to be blessing the ungodly more than him.However, at the end of Psalm 73, Asaph came to realize that his thinking had been shortsighted and wrong. He saw that our life on earth was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of our existence. Sure, unbelievers may have things to pretty well for them in this life, including the opportunity to have babies, but unless they repent and bow their knees, their final destiny is not a pretty picture. As Asaph put it, "Then I understood their final destiny... How suddenly they are destroyed" (vs. 19 NIV). As for those who have maintained their walk with God, they have the most important blessing: They know that in the midst of all their troubles, God has remained with them, and they will be in the joy of God's presence forever. As Asaph declared:
Yet, I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.You guide me by your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. (vs. 23-24). Second, it is easy for Christians to fall into the trap of thinking that somehow God owes us something because we have been so good. He owes us nothing! Each of us has sinned and has fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:16). Any gift we receive from God, including children, is a gift of grace, totally unearned and undeserved. And if God -- for reasons known only to His divine and sovereign will -- chooses to give gifts to people who appear more sinful than we are, who are we to question him? The apostle Paul puts it bluntly when he asks: "But who are you O man to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Third, it is true that all of the well-known infertile couples in the Bible (Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Hannah and Elkanah, and Zechariah and Elizabeth) eventually were able to have children. But it is also true that God does not grant every prayerful desire (see 2 Corinthians 12:8-9). The Father did not, could not, even grant the request of His own Son to have the awful cup of Calvary taken from Him (Mt. 26:39). God never promises that He will reward the faithful with an easy road through life. If you doubt that, read what happened to some of the most faithful saints in the Bible (Hebrews 11: 35-40). What God promises us is that He will eventually, either in this life or in the life to come, turn our adversity into our profit.

My Story

My husband and I met in 2002. We started dating in November of 02. My life completely changed when I met Phil. My walk with God was not what it should have been, and that caused somethings in our dating time to be different than what I'd always dreamed. Phil was a newly rededicated Christian, and I was a girl that struggled with many things. A great pair... God saw my need for Him and wanted me to be HIS faithful child. I didn't quite see that.

We had an awesome time while we were dating... we grew so close. I have never known anyone to be so caring, and to be such a wonderful friend. And that's what he became. My best friend. I'll never forget our first Christmas together with my family... I knew that he was the one for me. Now, for those who knew me then, know that a guy was the farthest thing from my mind. I wanted a career! Make money and live in Chicago! Seriously. That was me. When I think of that now, all I can do is laugh at myself. God has done some serious work on me!

So, in June of 2004... I married my man. I became a Mrs. and it felt better than anything in the world! I still look down at my wedding ring and stare in wonder of what God has done in my life. 10 days after we married, Phil took me to Tennessee where we began our married lives. This is a sad part in my story... I struggled. I had a new home, a new church, a new job, my friends & family were gone, Phil worked 2nd shift (after school) and I worked 1st... and there was someone in my bed! I gained more weight, I was sad, and I blamed God and Phil for turning my world upside down. For weeks after we got married, I wondered what in the world I was thinking when I said "Yes". This time in my life is hard for me to admit to. I was the Preachers Daughter. I wasn't allowed to be depressed or upset with God. During this time, I had no idea all that Phil did for me. When I look back on it now, I see God. I see that HE was my Rock. God gave Phil the wisdom he needed to take care of me.

It was a few weeks later, we started gaining more friends... I started to actually like my job, and I was learning, "hey! It's kinda nice to be away from everyone!" I began to see that God gave me this time to cherish my marriage and to grow even closer to my husband, and to the Lord. God began to work in our lives and change us for the better. We became closer to God, and closer to each other. I had no idea that I could be any closer with my husband until then. Now, don't get me wrong, there were tons of tears, hurtful words, hugs and talking... It took us a little while. But Oh! What a difference God makes in our lives when we let Him.

In the beginning of 2005, Phil became burdend for us to go to England on a missions trip. So in May of '05 we hopped in a plane and took the very long journey there. This is where God matured us alot in our Christian lives. Phil got to street preach, and I sang in the middle of a town square, all by myself. We were staying a total of 17 days. We were about 3/4 the way through our trip, and I all of the sudden had this urge to start a family.... uh oh.

We had always planned to wait about two years before we would start trying... but God had other plans. When I talked to Phil about it, he said "okay, stop taking your pills". I was overjoyed! OMG! We are gonna have a baby! Start a family! And of course they will sing, and play the piano just like their mommy. I remember us laying in our room, and talking about what it would be like to have a family. I knew I was ready, and I knew that God had put the desire in my heart. So... we get home from our trip... and we go one month without pills... then two, then three... and so on. Nothing is happening. When we first started trying, I was so nieve... I thought it would just happen! I was already planning out I would tell my family. Almost a year to the day, I went to my OB, and we conversed about it... He said it was just my weight, and we worked on that mean while still trying. He gave me these charts to start taking my temp... and checking other things... It flabergasted me. After about three months, he started me on Clomid. I would come in for blood on day 21, and none of this worked. My Progesterone was a level 2!!! That means my body was doing nothing. We decided to wait a while, and let God work.

January of 06, we got refered to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (sp) and I was diagnosed with PCOS. This was my first time being "diagnosed" with anything! It was freaky! The Dr. said I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant on my own. All I remember is crying the whole way back to work, and not being able to think the rest of the day. This is where my struggle began. We did a few months with this doctor, and it became expensive. We were college kids. When we made our monthly bills we had to celebrate! So we waited some more...

July of 07, My hardest day ever. This may take me awhile to get out.... so bear with me...
It was a Saturday, and the Rowell family reunion was in the afternoon. I had been cleaning that morning, and went to take a shower to get ready to go. I had been kinda crampy all day, and just thought my period was coming. I was in the shower, and all of the sudden, blood came gushing, and clots, large ones. I stood there and watched my baby go down the drain. I had no idea. The blood just kept coming... I barely finished my shower, and went and woke my napping husband. "I think I just miscarried" He held me as I stared in shock. My head was dizzy and my body ached all over. Nothing could ache more than my heart. I took it light for the next few days, and went to the Doctor on Tuesday AM. A positive pregnancy test confirmed my greatest fear. I had lost the child I had longed for... for so long. It was odd at first, because I didn't even know that I was pregnant. With PCOS, it isn't odd to miss a period once in a while, in fact, it's common.

After I left the Dr., I called Phil - (he had made plans to be out of town with our visiting family) Whew. I didn't want to tell him. I held up though pretty good, until I reached my mother who was expecting me. I walked in the front door and collapsed in her arms. My body shook with anger, tears and sorrow. Maybe I thought the tears would make everything be okay? I went home, and went to bed. Maybe tomorrow would be better.

"If it happened once, it can happen again" "I'm so sorry" "Look at the positive side!" "Where's your smile?" "It will happen" "In God's timing" "Just be patient" I could go on and on... these were some things that were said to me on a daily basis. I could feel the anger in me start to get bigger every time someone would say these things. Now, I know just as you do, they were just trying to encourage me. But at that time, that is the farthest thing that I was thinking about.

I tried to carry on with normal life. I think it was around three months before I didn't cry every night/day. My heart was hurting. It still hurts. This past month, was a year. I've gotten alot better, and I know that God is taking care of our child. But I have to be careful. I start to question God. Why couldn't I be the one taking care of my baby? Who does my baby look like? Does my baby ache for me, like my arms ache to hold it? WHY GOD?!?!? Why does it hurt, and why does it hurt so very much? Of course with God's grace and mercy, we got through it.

I know that I was very fortunate to have such an early miscarriage, and there are tons of other things to be thankful for. I didn't have to have surgery, or alot of treatment. I just had a daily reminder for three weeks what my body & heart had been through.

It has taken me a year to write about my miscarriage. God has given me peace, and now everytime I want to talk to God about my baby, I have a special rocking chair that is my reminder that God is holding my baby until I can one day in Heaven.

Romans 15:13 - Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

January of '08 - Time to get serious. I have a good job, with even better insurance. We've been "working hard" for 8 consecutive months now with an OB that specializes in infertility.

This blog is all about my daily walk with infertility. I'd appreciate your prayers for Phil and I that we would have the strength and grace to walk this road with God as our guide.