Lord, I believe - Help my unbelief

Tomorrow, I will go in for my Day 14 Sono. We'll see how many follies I have, and how big they are. I'm always worried that they won't be there, or that they will be size 10 when they need to be 20-24. I know it sounds stupid, but until you've been there, don't judge :) If they are good size, like they were last month, I'll be given the Ovidrel shot (which hurts like no other.) Phil will come with me, as he always does. He knows that I need him there, and his support.

Speaking of my husband... we were talking last night, (which I so appreciate out ability to be open and honest with each other, most marriages don't have that) and of course, our old family friend was on my mind... infertility. I had told him earlier that when I was at Wal-Mart I just had to go by the baby section... and the smells made me wander into the isles. All I could do was finger the really soft blankets, and dream of which stroller we would pick. The smells of the lotions, powders and diapers made me tear up, and I had to basically run out of the department before I would lose it. He's response to me was "Oh man, why'd you do that?!?!?" lol He knows me so well... Like, why did you go near it? I never thought of it, but it's alot like what Satan does with sin, depression in my case. He'll take you farther than you want to go, slowly but wholly taking control (yes, that's a song). It was like the devil was creeping down my neck with accusations as to why I'm not the mother I've always wanted to be. If I'm not careful, I can feel the bitterness starting to seep in... The devil knows just which strings to pull to make us start slipping, then our flesh does the rest... I told Phil, sometimes, it's like I'm in a river, and I can't swim and I'm trying to keep my head above water so that I can breathe. That's what infertility can feel like. The pills, doctor appointments, doing research, disappointment, tears... That's the water... and I'm trying so very hard to stay on top of it all... just so I can breathe.