My Story

My husband and I met in 2002. We started dating in November of 02. My life completely changed when I met Phil. My walk with God was not what it should have been, and that caused somethings in our dating time to be different than what I'd always dreamed. Phil was a newly rededicated Christian, and I was a girl that struggled with many things. A great pair... God saw my need for Him and wanted me to be HIS faithful child. I didn't quite see that.

We had an awesome time while we were dating... we grew so close. I have never known anyone to be so caring, and to be such a wonderful friend. And that's what he became. My best friend. I'll never forget our first Christmas together with my family... I knew that he was the one for me. Now, for those who knew me then, know that a guy was the farthest thing from my mind. I wanted a career! Make money and live in Chicago! Seriously. That was me. When I think of that now, all I can do is laugh at myself. God has done some serious work on me!

So, in June of 2004... I married my man. I became a Mrs. and it felt better than anything in the world! I still look down at my wedding ring and stare in wonder of what God has done in my life. 10 days after we married, Phil took me to Tennessee where we began our married lives. This is a sad part in my story... I struggled. I had a new home, a new church, a new job, my friends & family were gone, Phil worked 2nd shift (after school) and I worked 1st... and there was someone in my bed! I gained more weight, I was sad, and I blamed God and Phil for turning my world upside down. For weeks after we got married, I wondered what in the world I was thinking when I said "Yes". This time in my life is hard for me to admit to. I was the Preachers Daughter. I wasn't allowed to be depressed or upset with God. During this time, I had no idea all that Phil did for me. When I look back on it now, I see God. I see that HE was my Rock. God gave Phil the wisdom he needed to take care of me.

It was a few weeks later, we started gaining more friends... I started to actually like my job, and I was learning, "hey! It's kinda nice to be away from everyone!" I began to see that God gave me this time to cherish my marriage and to grow even closer to my husband, and to the Lord. God began to work in our lives and change us for the better. We became closer to God, and closer to each other. I had no idea that I could be any closer with my husband until then. Now, don't get me wrong, there were tons of tears, hurtful words, hugs and talking... It took us a little while. But Oh! What a difference God makes in our lives when we let Him.

In the beginning of 2005, Phil became burdend for us to go to England on a missions trip. So in May of '05 we hopped in a plane and took the very long journey there. This is where God matured us alot in our Christian lives. Phil got to street preach, and I sang in the middle of a town square, all by myself. We were staying a total of 17 days. We were about 3/4 the way through our trip, and I all of the sudden had this urge to start a family.... uh oh.

We had always planned to wait about two years before we would start trying... but God had other plans. When I talked to Phil about it, he said "okay, stop taking your pills". I was overjoyed! OMG! We are gonna have a baby! Start a family! And of course they will sing, and play the piano just like their mommy. I remember us laying in our room, and talking about what it would be like to have a family. I knew I was ready, and I knew that God had put the desire in my heart. So... we get home from our trip... and we go one month without pills... then two, then three... and so on. Nothing is happening. When we first started trying, I was so nieve... I thought it would just happen! I was already planning out I would tell my family. Almost a year to the day, I went to my OB, and we conversed about it... He said it was just my weight, and we worked on that mean while still trying. He gave me these charts to start taking my temp... and checking other things... It flabergasted me. After about three months, he started me on Clomid. I would come in for blood on day 21, and none of this worked. My Progesterone was a level 2!!! That means my body was doing nothing. We decided to wait a while, and let God work.

January of 06, we got refered to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (sp) and I was diagnosed with PCOS. This was my first time being "diagnosed" with anything! It was freaky! The Dr. said I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant on my own. All I remember is crying the whole way back to work, and not being able to think the rest of the day. This is where my struggle began. We did a few months with this doctor, and it became expensive. We were college kids. When we made our monthly bills we had to celebrate! So we waited some more...

July of 07, My hardest day ever. This may take me awhile to get out.... so bear with me...
It was a Saturday, and the Rowell family reunion was in the afternoon. I had been cleaning that morning, and went to take a shower to get ready to go. I had been kinda crampy all day, and just thought my period was coming. I was in the shower, and all of the sudden, blood came gushing, and clots, large ones. I stood there and watched my baby go down the drain. I had no idea. The blood just kept coming... I barely finished my shower, and went and woke my napping husband. "I think I just miscarried" He held me as I stared in shock. My head was dizzy and my body ached all over. Nothing could ache more than my heart. I took it light for the next few days, and went to the Doctor on Tuesday AM. A positive pregnancy test confirmed my greatest fear. I had lost the child I had longed for... for so long. It was odd at first, because I didn't even know that I was pregnant. With PCOS, it isn't odd to miss a period once in a while, in fact, it's common.

After I left the Dr., I called Phil - (he had made plans to be out of town with our visiting family) Whew. I didn't want to tell him. I held up though pretty good, until I reached my mother who was expecting me. I walked in the front door and collapsed in her arms. My body shook with anger, tears and sorrow. Maybe I thought the tears would make everything be okay? I went home, and went to bed. Maybe tomorrow would be better.

"If it happened once, it can happen again" "I'm so sorry" "Look at the positive side!" "Where's your smile?" "It will happen" "In God's timing" "Just be patient" I could go on and on... these were some things that were said to me on a daily basis. I could feel the anger in me start to get bigger every time someone would say these things. Now, I know just as you do, they were just trying to encourage me. But at that time, that is the farthest thing that I was thinking about.

I tried to carry on with normal life. I think it was around three months before I didn't cry every night/day. My heart was hurting. It still hurts. This past month, was a year. I've gotten alot better, and I know that God is taking care of our child. But I have to be careful. I start to question God. Why couldn't I be the one taking care of my baby? Who does my baby look like? Does my baby ache for me, like my arms ache to hold it? WHY GOD?!?!? Why does it hurt, and why does it hurt so very much? Of course with God's grace and mercy, we got through it.

I know that I was very fortunate to have such an early miscarriage, and there are tons of other things to be thankful for. I didn't have to have surgery, or alot of treatment. I just had a daily reminder for three weeks what my body & heart had been through.

It has taken me a year to write about my miscarriage. God has given me peace, and now everytime I want to talk to God about my baby, I have a special rocking chair that is my reminder that God is holding my baby until I can one day in Heaven.

Romans 15:13 - Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

January of '08 - Time to get serious. I have a good job, with even better insurance. We've been "working hard" for 8 consecutive months now with an OB that specializes in infertility.

This blog is all about my daily walk with infertility. I'd appreciate your prayers for Phil and I that we would have the strength and grace to walk this road with God as our guide.