::It's okay, to not be okay::

I need to write about something that I don't want to.

Sometimes, I struggle with listening to God. Sometimes the Bible stings like salt on an open wound. Our pastor preached Sunday p.m. on "Bringing forth fruit" The first point was the fruit of bearing children. I almost laughed out loud when he said it. In my heart, I was saying "Seriously God?!?!?" I sat there clinching my teeth for about the first two minutes, then I just couldn't do it. I had to leave. I walked quietly out of the auditorium, and barely made it to the bathroom. I went in one of the stalls, and had myself a crying fit. It helps sometimes, you should try it.

You see, one of the biggest things I struggle with is, I have this huge desire to raise a family for God, to raise them to sing in church, and serve the Lord with us. I have always had this dream, of seeing my family in a pew at church. It'd be Phil then me, then four squirmy kids wanting to go play beside me. It's not as if I want to have children to ________________ you can fill in the blank. It's not for a bad reason, it's for good. It's a godly thing to want to raise a family in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But for some reason, God is just not letting it happen for me.

So I sat in the bathroom trying to calm down, and had no idea how I could go back out there and listen. I prayed silently for a while, trying to calm my spirit. I went and cleaned off my face, or the lack from makeup that now wasn't there... A very kindred spirit came in after me... she was already crying, and came back specifically to hug me. She knows. She may not have been through the same thing, but she knows how my heart hurts, and how hearing things like that hurt. We hugged and cried and sobbed. God gave me someone to lean on. Then she said "Phil is crying too". He hurts too. I may not say that enough on here, but Phil is in this just as much as I am. He seems to handle emotions better than I do, but don't most men?

Her saying this made me cry even more. My heart felt like it weighed as much as an ox. We barley said any words cleaning our faces off... but she knew I needed her, and that meant the world to me. God knew that I needed His arms wrapped around me, so He sent her. I am oh so thankful for this person, and the encouragement that she is to me. We have another major thing in common, we've both lost a child. I have a little porcelain cross sitting in my living room from her. It's a reminder to me that I have a child in Heaven waiting for me, but even more so, it's a reminder that she cares, and will always be there for me. I hope she knows just how much she means to me.

We quietly slipped back into the service, and I sat and stared. I was trying to keep my heart from being torn up again. Phil put his arm around me, and squeezed. I knew he knew. He had is handkerchief out, and handed it to me, and said "It's okay".

For all of you out there, who are going through the same thing, it's okay to get upset. It's okay to cry. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to not be okay.