::Redeeming myself::

Hi all:

I feel like maybe I need to redeem myself from my last post...

God is good, all the time. I know that, and it's been something that I've told myself over and over. Just sometimes, the devil just loves to have my heart as a playground. The last time I posted, the six days prior to that, I had found out about probably 20 people who were expecting, and it just seemed so overwhelming... I kept asking God when it would be my turn. Sounds selfish and immature, I know. But after over three and a half years of trying to concieve... alot of things change in your mind, and in your heart.

You become more sensitive to say, um, someone saying thier "tired of their children", or they "don't know how to keep from getting pregant"... things like that. Things that if you have never had to struggle with concieving, or losing a child... you wouldn't understand.

So please forgive me. I'm so happy for all of you who are expecting. I'm happy that God has chosen to bless you. I'm happy that your family is growing! I really really am. The devil just got ahold of me for a while... and my flesh was reigning at the moment.

We are waiting, again. I had the HSG test last month, showing that the good ovary side, the tube was blocked. I didn't naturally start my cycle because of not having fertility medicine. So I've been put on Provera again to start the cycle. Pray for me... it messes with my hormones, and does something horrible with my emotions! Pray that God will give us a miracle this month. I'd love to be able to join the other million people who are pregnant!

To those of you who left comments on my last post... thank you. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. And that other people think that way too sometimes! I pray for all of you so often, because I know exactly what you are going through. It's been over three and a half years... I have some experience...

I'd like to write a book sometime about my struggle with infertility. Not a book that tells you how to get pregnant, but more how to deal with maybe the idea of not ever becoming a birth mother, and being able to cope spiritually and mentally with that. Pray for me on this... I'd want it to be encouraging and uplifting, and bring praise to God. You know, sometimes it's hard not to think that God isn't listening... or that He doesn't hear us. I want everyone to know that He does listen and He does care.

In church last night, Pastor spoke about David and his affair with Bathsheeba (sp?), and the consequence of their sin which was thier son dying. We've been doing this study on fasting, and why they did and such. Pastor said this is one way we know that men didn't write the Bible, but that they were spirit led in what to write. Because if man were writing the Bible, they would have changed this. We were reading about how thier son was sick, and David fell to the ground and stayed there fasting, begging God to heal his son. And the son died. God chose not to heal him. After the son died, David got up from off the ground, cleaned up, and ate. The men questioned him... David stopped because there wasn't anything else he could do. God had chosen to take his son from him. And probably because of the sin that David committed. David himself thought he should die for his sin... At the end of everything, David said, I shall go to him. God had mercy on David, and spared his life. Oh! Can you imagine! All I could think about was my baby that waits for me in heaven. I've mourned, I've wept many tears, but it's been laid at Jesus's feet... I can think of so many other things in my life that I need to do that with. How many of us would be better Christians, and better people if we just left things in God's hands?

I had to also think that maybe God knew some of what David felt when his son died. Or He would know, the crucifiction hadn't taken place yet, but God knows all. Do you think maybe God knew that one day He would send His Son to pay for our sin? Oh! How humbling the thought that God would send His Son to die for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do that. I'm so thankful that God had that much love for us, that He sent His ONLY Son to die for us. It's just like the song says... Amazing Love, how can this be?! And to think all we have to do, is ask Him, to come in our heart and save us. Accept His love and enjoy His salvation for eternity!