::Catching up...::

I have so much to talk about!!! I have no idea where to begin, so this post might be a little scattered...

First off, I'd like to start with the hard thing to talk about... We went to Ohio two weeks ago to a Sunday School Conference. We were there Thursday - Saturday. On Saturday am... I woke up, and went to take a shower... I get in the shower, and look down and their is blood. Dripping down my legs. I stared. My next thought was to get Phil... so I started screaming. (in a hotel room) Immediately, I felt myself start to hyperventilate. All I could think was, I can't go through this again... I just can't. I start bawling, I couldn't breathe. Phil is standing there, saying... "honey calm down, it's okay" How in the world can this be okay??!?! I'm thinking... all of the memories of last summer, and losing my first child came whirling in my brain... you see, this is how I lost my first, in the shower. I saw the same blood... everything I had tried so hard to get beyond, came right back... Finally after about 30 minutes in the shower, calming down and talking to God... I got out, and laid on the bed. The bleeding was slowing down, and I wasn't cramping at all. Cramping is a clear sign of miscarriage. I could barely walk with my first miscarriage, I was cramping so hard. I called the on call doctor, and we spoke about what I should do... I don't want to go into gory details... (lol not that I haven't already right?) There was a clear explanation, and everything turned out fine. When we got back into Illinois, on Monday I went for a Sono just to make sure everything was fine... The baby looked great. Heart rate was 171 (1st sono it was 146) and she said everything was just as it was supposed to be. Talk about relief!!!! God is good. But oh the memories, and the fears, and the feelings... I had no idea it could all come back that easily... I believe God heard me in the shower, I believe that He knew I couldn't handle another loss... Do you believe that God can hear you? When you pray, do you know He hears even our thoughts? Which is proof we don't need to pray out loud. God can hear us. Isn't that so comforting? God knows each one of our hearts...

On a lighter note... I am 10 weeks and 1 day today!!! Morning sickness is an all day thing for me, and a constant reminder of the little one growing like crazy in there! The smell of Ranch dressing last night made me sick. It's stuff like that... or just a thought, or even just my tummy didn't like what I ate. Two Wednesdays ago, I set a personal record of vomiting 15 times in one day. Even water didn't want to stay down! This has been the only "rough" physical part so far... You try doin it everyday multiple times and see if you don't agree with me :) All is well though, and the baby is now an inch and a half long! :) My uterus is supposed to be the size of a grapefruit now, even though it feels like it's a football! Yeah... the bloated feeling is great too :) Please don't take this as complaining... I'm very thankful... just a little wore out already! lol

The wedding this past weekend, was beautiful. Sharon & CJ looked amazing, and it was a great joy to be a part of their wedding, and get to spend alot of time with "the girls" from college days... We left Wednesday right after work, and drove straight through, well sort of. We got really tired a couple of times, and pulled over to sleep... It took a total of 15 hours of driving time! Trust me, I was ready to be out of the car!!! On our way home we broke it into two days, and went to Knoxville Saturday night. We got to spend some much needed time with our very dear friends the Howells. It was so neat to be able to talk "baby" with Meg, and just to have their fellowship again. They are renovating a house close to the church, and we got to see it. It will be amazing, and it was great to see them so excited about it! We went to Wasabi for supper... and omg... that was just the perfect touch of the evening! I had my favorite sushi (no worries, it's all fish I can have) I about had a hissy fit eating it, it was wonderful! We went to church at Temple on Sunday am, then had lunch with Mel & Jonathan again, much needed time with friends. Mel also loved to talk to the baby and pat my belly that is still all my wonderful fat :)

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I can't wait for turkey!!!! The time with family is the best part though... oh, and of course having the next day off to sleep in!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving... and be sure to be thankful for all that God has given you... Being thankful just doesn't seem like it's enough for the miracle that God has given me... God truly is good.

For heaven's sake...

I've been horrible at blogging lately! Please rest assured, that I'm not giving up my blogging any time soon... I've been incredibly busy lately, and between being busy, I'm puking :) Yup... full flegged morning sickness :) Don't get me wrong... it's great lol It's a daily reminder that God has answered our prayers! I have so much to write about... but so little time. Phil and I are going to a wedding Georgia this weekend, we leave tonight, then we'll be back late Sunday night... Pray for us... He is a groomsmen and I am the pianist... And boy am I ever nervous!!! :) Everything will be great though, and we are so looking forward to seeing so many of our college friends...

I will write again on Monday... Again, I have so much to write about... I've had a few small complications, and stress n' such... But God is good. And the baby is just perfect. Tune back in next Monday!

Again, I'm sorry for the delay... thanks to all my faithful readers for your patience...

Oh... if you haven't seen a picture of the baby... feel free to visit my other blog here.

::Unworthy::

I've been trying for days to think of how to write this on here... Have you ever as a Christian or even just in a situation with family/friends... been through a hard time, and wished you had handled it better? I feel so unworthy of God's blessing... There were times, I would clench my teeth I'd be so angry... angry that I couldn't do what every other woman made seem so easy. Times when I seriously wondered if God could hear me, or He just got tired of hearing from me, so He stoped listening. Times when all I could do was cry... Because the desire in my heart over whelmed me... I look back at those times now, and wish that I'd been a better person, a better Christian and a better wife... We all go through different things at different times, and different levels of heartache. Infertility... has been my thorn in the flesh. Could I have been better at this? Yes. Could I have been a better example? Yes. Could I have trusted God more? Yes. Could have have........... you fill in the blank, and I'll say, Yes. Do I regret it? No. Because all of this has made me such a better person. If you go through something like years of infertility, when God blesses you... it's such a sweet time...

Which leads me to my announcement....


I got a positive!!!


Yes, it's true... I'm pregnant! Very early, but it's there! Blood Test were good, and the nurse said... "You are definitely pregnant!" Today, I am 7weeks and 4days.

I have been shouting from the roof tops ever since last Wednesday... I'm trying to be level headed about it... I was in the first trimester when I lost my first last summer, which is where I am now. God knows, and He gave me this blessing for a reason...

I can't tell you how many prayers have been answered by this baby... so many people have been praying for me, and have been taking my burden before the Lord... I feel so unworthy of God's blessing...

For all of you who are still waiting on God whether it is for a child, or for something else... I'm praying for you. I've been exactly where you are, and I know exactly the feelings you have. And truthfully, all of you are probably handling this better than I ever did. Please pray for my husband and I, as we go through the first trimester... it's hard not to have the fear that the same thing will happen... But we have put it in God's hands... and God knows our hearts.

I can't help but be excited though!!! God answered prayer!! I have a child inside of me!!! Phil and I both are ecstatic that God chose to bless our home... and we are praying the same for you.

::Redeeming myself::

Hi all:

I feel like maybe I need to redeem myself from my last post...

God is good, all the time. I know that, and it's been something that I've told myself over and over. Just sometimes, the devil just loves to have my heart as a playground. The last time I posted, the six days prior to that, I had found out about probably 20 people who were expecting, and it just seemed so overwhelming... I kept asking God when it would be my turn. Sounds selfish and immature, I know. But after over three and a half years of trying to concieve... alot of things change in your mind, and in your heart.

You become more sensitive to say, um, someone saying thier "tired of their children", or they "don't know how to keep from getting pregant"... things like that. Things that if you have never had to struggle with concieving, or losing a child... you wouldn't understand.

So please forgive me. I'm so happy for all of you who are expecting. I'm happy that God has chosen to bless you. I'm happy that your family is growing! I really really am. The devil just got ahold of me for a while... and my flesh was reigning at the moment.

We are waiting, again. I had the HSG test last month, showing that the good ovary side, the tube was blocked. I didn't naturally start my cycle because of not having fertility medicine. So I've been put on Provera again to start the cycle. Pray for me... it messes with my hormones, and does something horrible with my emotions! Pray that God will give us a miracle this month. I'd love to be able to join the other million people who are pregnant!

To those of you who left comments on my last post... thank you. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. And that other people think that way too sometimes! I pray for all of you so often, because I know exactly what you are going through. It's been over three and a half years... I have some experience...

I'd like to write a book sometime about my struggle with infertility. Not a book that tells you how to get pregnant, but more how to deal with maybe the idea of not ever becoming a birth mother, and being able to cope spiritually and mentally with that. Pray for me on this... I'd want it to be encouraging and uplifting, and bring praise to God. You know, sometimes it's hard not to think that God isn't listening... or that He doesn't hear us. I want everyone to know that He does listen and He does care.

In church last night, Pastor spoke about David and his affair with Bathsheeba (sp?), and the consequence of their sin which was thier son dying. We've been doing this study on fasting, and why they did and such. Pastor said this is one way we know that men didn't write the Bible, but that they were spirit led in what to write. Because if man were writing the Bible, they would have changed this. We were reading about how thier son was sick, and David fell to the ground and stayed there fasting, begging God to heal his son. And the son died. God chose not to heal him. After the son died, David got up from off the ground, cleaned up, and ate. The men questioned him... David stopped because there wasn't anything else he could do. God had chosen to take his son from him. And probably because of the sin that David committed. David himself thought he should die for his sin... At the end of everything, David said, I shall go to him. God had mercy on David, and spared his life. Oh! Can you imagine! All I could think about was my baby that waits for me in heaven. I've mourned, I've wept many tears, but it's been laid at Jesus's feet... I can think of so many other things in my life that I need to do that with. How many of us would be better Christians, and better people if we just left things in God's hands?

I had to also think that maybe God knew some of what David felt when his son died. Or He would know, the crucifiction hadn't taken place yet, but God knows all. Do you think maybe God knew that one day He would send His Son to pay for our sin? Oh! How humbling the thought that God would send His Son to die for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't do that. I'm so thankful that God had that much love for us, that He sent His ONLY Son to die for us. It's just like the song says... Amazing Love, how can this be?! And to think all we have to do, is ask Him, to come in our heart and save us. Accept His love and enjoy His salvation for eternity!

::I just have to get this out...::

Is anyone out there NOT pregnant?!?!?!

Seems like the past week I've heard about EVERYONE that is pregnant.

Sucks. It really does. And it's all you can do just to keep a smile...

Disclaimer: I'm happy for them, just... you wouldn't understand unless you've been where I am.

::It's okay, to not be okay::

I need to write about something that I don't want to.

Sometimes, I struggle with listening to God. Sometimes the Bible stings like salt on an open wound. Our pastor preached Sunday p.m. on "Bringing forth fruit" The first point was the fruit of bearing children. I almost laughed out loud when he said it. In my heart, I was saying "Seriously God?!?!?" I sat there clinching my teeth for about the first two minutes, then I just couldn't do it. I had to leave. I walked quietly out of the auditorium, and barely made it to the bathroom. I went in one of the stalls, and had myself a crying fit. It helps sometimes, you should try it.

You see, one of the biggest things I struggle with is, I have this huge desire to raise a family for God, to raise them to sing in church, and serve the Lord with us. I have always had this dream, of seeing my family in a pew at church. It'd be Phil then me, then four squirmy kids wanting to go play beside me. It's not as if I want to have children to ________________ you can fill in the blank. It's not for a bad reason, it's for good. It's a godly thing to want to raise a family in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But for some reason, God is just not letting it happen for me.

So I sat in the bathroom trying to calm down, and had no idea how I could go back out there and listen. I prayed silently for a while, trying to calm my spirit. I went and cleaned off my face, or the lack from makeup that now wasn't there... A very kindred spirit came in after me... she was already crying, and came back specifically to hug me. She knows. She may not have been through the same thing, but she knows how my heart hurts, and how hearing things like that hurt. We hugged and cried and sobbed. God gave me someone to lean on. Then she said "Phil is crying too". He hurts too. I may not say that enough on here, but Phil is in this just as much as I am. He seems to handle emotions better than I do, but don't most men?

Her saying this made me cry even more. My heart felt like it weighed as much as an ox. We barley said any words cleaning our faces off... but she knew I needed her, and that meant the world to me. God knew that I needed His arms wrapped around me, so He sent her. I am oh so thankful for this person, and the encouragement that she is to me. We have another major thing in common, we've both lost a child. I have a little porcelain cross sitting in my living room from her. It's a reminder to me that I have a child in Heaven waiting for me, but even more so, it's a reminder that she cares, and will always be there for me. I hope she knows just how much she means to me.

We quietly slipped back into the service, and I sat and stared. I was trying to keep my heart from being torn up again. Phil put his arm around me, and squeezed. I knew he knew. He had is handkerchief out, and handed it to me, and said "It's okay".

For all of you out there, who are going through the same thing, it's okay to get upset. It's okay to cry. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to not be okay.

::Reality::

This month has moved very slow for me. I guess maybe because my chances of anything changing on the IF homefront were slim to none beacause of the testing. Hope has become my most desired trait of these days. Hope that maybe one day, all of my dreams will come true.

We went to California a week and a half ago... it was a much needed time away. Phil and I spent the majority of the time with each other. It was great. The family there is so different from what I am used to, and the mentality is so different. I slipped out of reality. I had fun, I forgot. I truely forgot. I don't know if that's a good thing, or if it's bad... And maybe because we were so busy that I didn't have time to think. We were too busy sight seeing, and enjoying time with family.

We went for a wedding, and it was absolutely beautiful. I remember thinking when I first saw the bride... I remember that. I remember feeling like I was the most beautiful person on the earth in my huge white wedding gown. It brought back great memories of Phil and I's wedding... We did devotions together on Sunday AM, I can't remember the exact scripture, but it was in Psalms. It talked about the different voices of God. One verse talked about His voice being like thunder, and another of how His voice is full of mercy. It was so neat.

We went to the beach the morning we were leaving and just walked up and down, and got soaked :) I have some of the neatest pictures to help me remember. We went through security, and got breakfast, then waited for our plane... I remember feeling really depressed. Like I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wasn't done being away. We got on the plane, and the tears came. I cried silently for at least an hour. Because I knew what was happening... I was going back to reality. Life waited for me at the other side... Sometimes? Reality sucks.

I didn't start my period this month... today I called in the perscription for Provera. We are trying Clomid again. I think 150 mg. Yes... welcome back to reality.